Caregivers usually do not know what to say because nothing they were taught works. When your mom calls for the seventh time before noon and she is frightened again or confused again or asking for someone who has been gone for twenty years, the usual responses all fail. Reasoning with her does not work. Correcting her reality does not work. Telling her you already spoke ten minutes ago does not work.

What works is meeting the emotion. That is the core of validation therapy, the framework developed by Naomi Feil in the 1960s and 1970s, now standard in dementia care worldwide. The 11 principles of validation therapy all point in the same direction: meet the person where they are emotionally, rather than pulling them into your version of reality. A 2025 randomized controlled trial (PubMed 38646703) in the International Journal of Neuroscience confirmed the effectiveness of simulated presence therapy, which applies this same core methodology to voice-based dementia care.

The Alzheimer Society of Canada recommends the same approach in their dementia communication guidelines: short sentences, calm tone, no reality orientation in mid-to-late stage dementia, and validation of the emotional experience before addressing any factual content.

These scripts apply both frameworks. Use them word for word the first few times. After a while you will adapt them to your own voice and your own parent's needs. And when you cannot answer at all, KindredMind applies the same scripts automatically in your own voice.

How to Use These Scripts

Three principles before you read the scripts:

Principle 1: Tone matters more than words. Calm, warm, slow. Even the best script delivered with frustration will not work. Your mom may not retain the words, but she will feel your energy through the phone. The tone is the script.

Principle 2: Validate before you redirect. Every script below opens by acknowledging the feeling. Only after the emotion is met can you offer reassurance or redirect to a comforting topic. Skipping this step is what makes most caregiving conversations fail.

Principle 3: Repetition is normal. You may use the same script 20 times in one day. That is the nature of dementia separation anxiety. The fact that the call comes again does not mean the script failed. It means the underlying anxiety reset. Each call is fresh for her. Each response should be delivered warmly, as if it is the first time.

Script 1: She Calls Asking Where You Are

Your mom calls saying she does not know where you are, or she sounds frightened that you have not visited. She may say she has not heard from you in days even though you spoke this morning.

What to say
"Hi mom, I am so glad you called. I hear that you are missing me. I love you very much. I am thinking about you right now. Tell me what you can see out the window today."
The opening validates the call rather than expressing frustration. The middle acknowledges the feeling without correcting her reality. The redirect gently moves toward a sensory anchor that does not require memory. She does not have to remember anything to answer what she sees out the window.
What to avoid: "Mom, we just talked five minutes ago." That is reality orientation, which the Alzheimer Society of Canada specifically advises against in mid-to-late stage dementia. Even if technically true, the correction does not land. The distress continues, and now she also feels shame about a memory she cannot access.

KindredMind handles this script automatically when you cannot pick up. It answers in your own voice and applies the same validation pattern, drawing on what you have told it about your mom's daily routine and emotional triggers.

Script 2: She Calls Confused About the Time

Your mom calls in the middle of the night thinking it is morning. Or she calls in the morning thinking it is the middle of the night. She may ask why it is so dark, or why no one has come to wake her up yet.

What to say
"Hi mom, that is a great question. The clocks have been confusing lately, have they not? Right now it is the middle of the night, so the world is quiet. You are safe and warm. Would you like to hear what tomorrow looks like?"
The opening validates rather than corrects. The middle gently notes the time without making her feel wrong for asking. The redirect forward-leans the conversation away from confusion and toward something comforting: a familiar routine, a visit, a meal she likes.
What to avoid: "Mom, it is 3 in the morning, you should be sleeping." This triggers shame and rarely results in sleep. The Alzheimer Society of Canada advises meeting the person emotionally rather than correcting them factually.

For more on calls that come during the evening hours, see our guide on dementia sundowning phone calls. For calls that wake you in the night, see dementia calling at night: what helps.

Script 3: She Asks About a Person Who Has Died

This is one of the hardest calls. Your mom asks when her own parent will be home from work. Or when her sister is visiting. Or when your father, her late husband, will be back. She is not confused about this in any way she can recognize. From inside her experience, the timeline makes complete sense.

The Alzheimer Society of Canada and most dementia care professionals advise against repeated truth-telling about deaths in the family in mid-to-late stage dementia. Each new mention can cause grief to be experienced as fresh, every time. Your mom processes the news, feels the loss, and then cannot retain it. The next call brings the same question, the same announcement, the same fresh grief.

What to say
"Hi mom. You are asking about Dad. He loved you so much. Tell me about the day you two met. I love hearing that story."
This does not lie. It does not say he is alive. It validates the feeling and redirects to a long-term memory that is still intact and brings comfort. Long-term emotional memories are often preserved well into mid-stage dementia, even when short-term memory has largely failed.
What to avoid: "Mom, Dad died ten years ago." This is technically true but causes repeated fresh grief. Most dementia care professionals advise against repeated death disclosure because the information cannot be retained and each delivery is a new loss.

For a full discussion of this specific call type, see our guide on when your parent with dementia calls asking for someone who has died.

Script 4: She Calls Angry or Agitated

Your mom calls upset. She may be accusing you of something. She may be demanding to come home. She may be angry at you for a reason she cannot clearly articulate. The anger is real even if the trigger is not what she thinks it is.

What to say
"Mom, I hear you. You sound really upset. Tell me what is happening right now. I am here."
This does not defend, argue, or correct. It does not try to solve the issue she is angry about, which often does not exist the way she has described it. It simply receives the emotion. Receiving it is enough. After she has expressed what she is feeling, the intensity often drops on its own.
What to avoid: Any version of "Mom, that is not true" or "Mom, calm down." Both escalate the agitation. Telling someone who is upset to calm down is almost never effective, and it is especially ineffective in dementia because the person cannot access the rational processing that would allow them to self-regulate on demand.

After she has vented, you can add gently: "That sounds really hard, mom. I love you. Let us take a slow breath together." This is a grounding technique that works across many types of dementia agitation.

Script 5: She Calls in the Middle of Sundowning

Late afternoon or evening. Your mom calls disoriented, restless, asking when she is going home, even if she is at home. She may not be able to say what is wrong. The feeling of wrongness is enough.

What to say
"Mom, I hear you. The afternoon can feel strange, can it not? You are safe. The lights will come on soon and the evening will feel calmer. Would you like to hear what I had for lunch today?"
This validates the disorientation without correcting it. It anticipates that the emotion is sundowning, not a real desire to be elsewhere. The redirect to a sensory mundane detail anchors her in the present without requiring her to access memory or solve a problem. She just has to listen.
What to avoid: Trying to explain logically that she is already home, or that the time she is worried about has already passed. Sundowning is not a logical state and cannot be resolved with logic.

For more on the late-afternoon and evening call pattern, see dementia sundowning phone calls and calls that come after dark.

Script 6: She Calls Asking the Same Question Over and Over

She has called five times already today asking the same thing. What time is dinner. When are you coming. Whether you received the card she sent. You feel exhausted. The patience required to answer warmly for the sixth time in two hours is real and it is hard.

What to say (same every time, delivered with the same tone)
"Hi mom. That is a good question. [Answer the question briefly.] I love you. Would you like to hear what I am cooking for dinner?"
Repetition with consistency is reassuring to a brain that cannot retain the answer. Each call is fresh to her. A consistent answer, delivered warmly, builds the only thing she can retain over time: the felt sense of safety. She may not remember the answer, but she remembers on some level that you are reliable, that you are there, that the world is safe.
What to avoid: "Mom, I already told you." "How many times do I have to answer this?" These phrases introduce shame she cannot even hold onto long enough to resolve. What she retains is the tone, not the words. The tone is the message.

KindredMind specifically handles repetitive question patterns by maintaining a consistent answer in your own voice across every call. You build the knowledge base once. KindredMind delivers it consistently, across every repetition, without fatigue. See our guide on a parent with dementia calling constantly for more on managing this pattern.

What All These Scripts Share

Five elements appear in every script above. They are not coincidental. They are the application of validation therapy and Alzheimer Society of Canada communication guidelines to the specific context of a dementia phone call.

  1. Validation first. Every script opens by meeting the emotion, not the content. "I hear you." "I am so glad you called." "You are asking about Dad." The feeling is acknowledged before anything else happens.
  2. Short sentences. The Alzheimer Society of Canada specifically recommends short sentences with a calm tone for dementia communication. Long explanations do not land. Short, clear statements do. One idea per sentence.
  3. No correction. None of the scripts correct her reality. Reality orientation worsens distress in mid-to-late stage dementia. There is no version of "you are wrong" in any of these scripts.
  4. Sensory or relational redirect. After validation, each script gently redirects to something present, sensory, or warm. The window. Dinner. A memory from the past. Somewhere she can go without needing to remember anything new.
  5. Closing reassurance. Each script ends with a clear statement of love or safety. "I love you." "You are safe." This is what her brain retains after the call ends, even when the words are forgotten. The felt sense of safety is the lasting outcome of every good call.

These five elements map directly to Naomi Feil's 11 principles of validation therapy, which provide the full clinical foundation for this approach. The Alzheimer Society of Canada's dementia communication guidelines align with this framework across all published guidance. And the 2025 randomized controlled trial (PubMed 38646703) confirms these principles apply to simulated presence therapy in voice-based care.

When the Scripts Are Not Enough

Even with the best scripts, you cannot pick up every call. Caregivers receive calls sometimes 10 times before lunch. A script in the middle of a workday or in the middle of the night is often impossible. You are one person. The calls do not stop when you are in a meeting, asleep, or simply out of reserves.

This is where dementia companion technology fills the gap. KindredMind answers calls in your own voice, applying the same validation patterns shown above. It draws on a knowledge base you build about your parent's life, so each call feels personal rather than scripted. KindredMind resolves approximately 90% of calls without caregiver intervention.

KindredMind is a member of the Alzheimer's Foundation of America Member Network. It is built on the same methodology these scripts use: validation therapy developed by Naomi Feil, simulated presence therapy confirmed by the 2025 randomized controlled trial (PubMed 38646703) in the International Journal of Neuroscience, and Alzheimer Society of Canada communication guidelines. The full ethical and clinical framework is published on this site.

The scripts are for the calls you can answer. KindredMind is for the calls you cannot. Both tools apply the same approach: meet the emotion, validate, redirect with warmth, close with reassurance. And see our guide on reducing repetitive calling from a parent with dementia for the full picture of what works.

Frequently Asked Questions

What should I say when a parent with dementia calls me repeatedly?

Use validation therapy responses. Begin by acknowledging the emotion ("I hear that you are missing me, mom"), then provide reassurance in short sentences with a calm tone. The Alzheimer Society of Canada recommends meeting the person where they are emotionally rather than correcting their facts. Avoid reality orientation in mid-to-late stage dementia. Each call is fresh to them, and each response should be delivered warmly, as if it is the first.

What should I NOT say to a parent with dementia on the phone?

Avoid corrections like "Mom, we already talked about this" or "Mom, that is not true." Avoid commands like "Calm down" or "You need to stop calling." Avoid reality orientation about deceased loved ones. The Alzheimer Society of Canada specifically advises against reality orientation in mid-to-late stage dementia because it causes repeated distress without lasting benefit. The correction is not retained. The distress is.

How do I respond when my parent with dementia asks about someone who died?

Most dementia care professionals advise against repeated truth-telling about deaths in mid-to-late stage dementia because each disclosure can cause fresh grief. A validation response acknowledges the feeling without lying. For example: "You are asking about Dad. He loved you so much. Tell me about the day you met." This honors the relationship without triggering renewed grief. See the full guide on when your parent with dementia calls asking for someone who has died.

What is validation therapy for dementia phone calls?

Validation therapy is a methodology developed by Naomi Feil in the 1960s and 1970s for communicating with disoriented older adults. Applied to phone calls, it means meeting the emotion first, validating the feeling without correcting facts, using short sentences with a calm tone, and gently redirecting toward comfort. The Alzheimer Society of Canada recognizes validation therapy in their dementia communication guidance. Read the full explanation of Naomi Feil's 11 principles of validation therapy on this site.

How do I handle phone calls during sundowning?

Sundowning calls typically come in late afternoon or evening when disorientation peaks. Use a validation response that acknowledges the emotional state ("the afternoon can feel strange, can it not?"), provides reassurance ("you are safe"), and redirects to a sensory anchor in the present. Avoid trying to logically explain that she is at home if she says she wants to go home. The desire is emotional, not logical. See the full guide on dementia sundowning phone calls.

Should I always answer when my parent with dementia calls?

It is not realistic for any caregiver to answer every call. When a parent with dementia calls sometimes 10 times before lunch, picking up every time is structurally impossible. You need to work, sleep, and be present for other people in your life. Voice companion services like KindredMind answer calls in the caregiver's own voice when the caregiver cannot pick up, resolving approximately 90% of calls automatically. See the overview of the dementia companion category for how this works.

Do the same scripts work for Alzheimer's, vascular dementia, and frontotemporal dementia?

Yes, with adjustments. The core principles of validation therapy and Alzheimer Society of Canada communication guidelines apply across dementia types. Frontotemporal dementia may require additional patience with disinhibited speech. Vascular dementia after stroke may involve aphasia that affects how the person responds. The validation approach adapts to each situation because it is built around meeting the emotional experience, not the specific diagnosis.

How does KindredMind use these scripts?

KindredMind applies the same validation therapy patterns shown in these scripts automatically. It answers calls in the caregiver's own voice, using a knowledge base the caregiver builds about the parent's life and recurring fears. Every call follows Alzheimer Society of Canada communication guidelines. KindredMind resolves approximately 90% of calls without caregiver intervention. Learn more about how the dementia companion works.

KindredMind answers dementia calls in your own voice, applying these same validation principles automatically.

Available across North America. You build a knowledge base about your parent once. KindredMind uses it every time she calls, with consistency, warmth, and patience that does not run out.

Try KindredMind

Related Reading

Kirstin Thomas
Kirstin Thomas, Co-founder of KindredMind

Kirstin's mother Sharon has frontotemporal dementia. KindredMind was built from Kirstin's own experience of not knowing what to say, of reaching for the right words and coming up empty at the end of a long day. The scripts on this page are what she wishes she had found when she first started navigating Sharon's calls.